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Hey! I really like the story you’ve developed. I would have loved to see a little of the relationship between Kahlani and Peter to understand that they, at the beginning, didn’t like each other as they didn’t know how to work as a team. Developing the “friend-enemies” relationship at the beginning would make it seem understandable that their relationship is a little difficult. I would say that I feel there’s a lot going on during the “because of that” which makes it a bit difficult to follow it up in which are the morals and what’s happening. Nevertheless, I like the overall sense of the story and the way you’ve created the storyline of friendship and the importance of understanding themselves.


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Kahlani: A Fish Out of Water

This story is about Kahlani, a mermaid who has never seen the ocean trying to find where she belongs.
In act one Kahlani is introduced (her name means of land and water,) and her desire to find a place she belongs is established in her everyday life. Then she meets Peter who offers to take her to her people and the ocean.

In act two, they get in trouble and they have to learn to trust each other and accept help to get out of it. A very strong bond forms between them as they deal with other travel troubles. This makes it doubly hard when Peter all the sudden gets very mean and physically prevents her from continuing her journey. When she runs away, she is caught by pirates and taken to their lair. There, she discovers that Peter is really a pirate who's intention was to capture her the whole time. This is her low point physically, as her fear of being helpless has come true. This is also her low point internally, since she has lost the only home she had, the hope for one in the future, as well as she has lost her only friend left.

In the third act, Peter sacrifices the only thing he wanted to save her, and she sacrifices what she wants to save him, and together they defeat the captain. Even though they have a stronger bond now than before, he encourages her to go find what she is looking for. She finds the mermaids and they are everything she ever hoped, except for one thing. The sense that she belongs, that she is her true self to the fullest, and that she is where she is supposed to be. With the help from a friend, she realizes that that feeling doesn't come from being somewhere, but by being with the people she loves. She happily reunites with Peter and along with his new crew they set out on epic adventures and helping people wherever they can along the way.

P.S. They visit her land home and her ocean home often. =)

Thank you to the whole Story Xperiental team, each of you make it possible for us to be inspired and learn so much! In other words: you guys rock! And thank you to the whole community of fellow students, your comments and encouragement has gotten me farther then I ever could alone. ❤️ Keep telling your stories!

Special Thanks:

Knights of Allegory

Heather, Kaitlyn, Meaghan

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