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Lily

Please provide final feedback to the creators of this submission below:​

  • What did you like or love about this submission?

  • What did you find confusing or unclear?

  • What suggestions do you have to make it stronger?

Ani

I love the drawings. The story is beautiful. However, for me wasn't clear about her leg. IN some of the drawings have the bandage and the others don't. Have she been healed? How did she recover from injury?

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Brenda

The Characters are very cute and I like their expressions they portray. The story shows the growth from the move to CA to working on her leg. Good story line.

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Mark

Starting from the end and working back to the beginning: I like the moral. It's an important message that deserves to be told. I like the conclusion. It's nice to see hard work and effort rewarded. I like the fact that the lion family moved from Tanzania to Venice Beach California. It makes your story especially relatable to immigrant families and gives it a stronger "Cinderella Story" or "Rags to Riches" feel. One thing I felt was unclear, or maybe just unsatisfying, was Lily's disability. I didn't really get the sense that her disability was much of a problem. A little exercise and, voila: Disco Diva. Part of the joy of seeing a character overcome a challenge is to see them wrestle with it, to overcome the hardship and difficulty through grit and determination, to become a stronger, better person through the struggle. Perhaps showing Lily trying and failing a few times, maybe even wanting to give up, before finally succeeding, would make your story stronger. Last Comment: Altogether, this is a solid story spine. However, while the story spine is a great tool for plotting and developing a story, it is not the most compelling or engaging way to actually tell a story. Narration is a better way, but still not the best way. The best approach, I believe, is to tell your story through dialogue and/or action. Imagine your story as an animated short, then reduce the visuals and soundtrack to a few images and audio that depict the key moments (actions, plot points) . . . the minimum necessary for your audience to understand and appreciate your story. That would be my suggestion. Congratulations on completing your Final Submission for the Story Xperiential!

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Colin

Hello Team Divas, this is Colin Cameron from Team Bro Ham Cam,
-What I liked about this submission is that it is inspirational and relative to a lot of people out there. I think it is a good message to people out there that struggle with disabilities. We all have problems to some degree, and nobody is perfect, but it can be very difficult when these disabilities are constantly being used against someone, especially with an injury like that. I also like how Lily finally stands up for herself and does something for herself instead of having to watch her little brothers all the time.
-This story seems pretty clear to me.
-I am not a critic but this story seems very strong to me and I like how everything rhymes as well in the narration.

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Miriam

"Lily" is a story that I love, because it's great that a little lioness wants to make her dream of being a figure skater come true, even though she has a handicap in her leg. I wonder why she has to always be taking care of her little brothers and her parents don't let her do anything. Is it because of her leg injury? I would like to see the full short film. Congratulations on the job!

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Sara

Good afternoon from Spain! I have followed Lily's story over time and I have always found her core idea and her message very exciting: no matter who you are or how you are, if you propose everything with passion, you can achieve it. I really like the idea of ​​a family of lions, and the loving and luminous touch that the whole story has.
I know I already told you in a comment, but there are two things that are a little unclear to me. The first is the reason why the older sisters have more freedom than Lily: I understand that because she has to stay with her little brothers, but why don't they take turns and so they all have her freedom? It would be clearer to me that this was an excuse from the parents because in reality they are very afraid that something will happen to her daughter, because of her disability. In the event that her parents are overprotective, I think I would add more exaggeration: that they don't even let her go to school unaccompanied, and so on.
The other thing that I would reinforce is the skating theme. I like that you added a "Plan of Attack" (she starts to prepare and train), but it would be great if it was for a specific event (for example, a super skating contest), that she finally ran away to participate, and that the climax was that her parents find her just when she is doing her big performance: so they realize that she is not dependent and that she has the right to fulfill her dreams.
Everyting else is perfect to me, and I'm looking forward to seeing this short film complete and animated. CONGRATULATIONS!!

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Elle

Overall I really liked watching Lily work towards her wants/goals. I think the part that was a little clear initially was the fact that Lily was left to watch her brothers and not really able to go anywhere. It made it sense after I learned about her leg, but personally it felt like it was missing a little bit more information regarding why she’s stuck at home. For example, are her parents trying to be protective, thinking it’s the best thing for Lily? In this case, maybe including her parents and their own wants and misconceptions would have strengthened the moral of the story.

Good job!

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Madeleine

Hi Disco Divas, congratulations on a great story reel! I found your story to be very inspiring, the journey of how a lion cub overcomes a challenge in her life to follow her dreams. I was a bit unclear on why Lily suddenly realized her sisters had more freedom than she did? A suggestion I have to make the story reel stronger would be to introduce a familial obstacle to the story. Perhaps Lily has always felt this way towards her sisters and this is her moment to prove something to them and her family.

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A story about Lily the Lion Cub and how she accomplished her roller skating goals, despite her having a disability.

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