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8

Week

Hart and Brane

What I like about this story is it emphasizes a conflict that most creative people have with their parents at some point if they are more serious and/or strict types of people which is not seeing eye to eye on a lot of things. It seems as though Hart is very intelligent and cognizant of this at a young age which is a shame because he was not able to spend time with his father a lot a young age. Fathers can be really hard on their sons sometimes when they become more independent and start making decisions for themselves that their fathers may have not chosen to do. I also like how each of them is able to overcome adversity to get each other to appreciate one another.
- It all seems clear to me.
-The only suggestions that I have to make this story stronger would be (only if necessary) to give a little bit of a description to why Brane and Hart live hidden in the American suburbs. If this has nothing to do with the plot, then please ignore this. Otherwise, I do not have any suggestions to add.

8

Week

Lily

Hello Team Divas, this is Colin Cameron from Team Bro Ham Cam,
-What I liked about this submission is that it is inspirational and relative to a lot of people out there. I think it is a good message to people out there that struggle with disabilities. We all have problems to some degree, and nobody is perfect, but it can be very difficult when these disabilities are constantly being used against someone, especially with an injury like that. I also like how Lily finally stands up for herself and does something for herself instead of having to watch her little brothers all the time.
-This story seems pretty clear to me.
-I am not a critic but this story seems very strong to me and I like how everything rhymes as well in the narration.

8

Week

Moran

Hello this is Colin from Team: Bro HamCam,
-I really like the backstory and the history of how the dark power has made its way to Moran. What I found confusing or unclear was how exactly the past haunted Moran to make him "rule over the all the lands", also how did Moran, "have the destiny of his people in his hands?" I may be missing something; it just doesn't seem like it was mentioned. I would say to make this stronger, try adding some description of what corrupt things Moran does or what conflict he had in the past to make him do these things.

7

Week

Cornelius - Act 1, 2, 3

Hello Team: Shayleen Smith, this is Colin Cameron from Team: Bro Ham Cam. I like how this story is very unpredictable and keeps you on the edge of your feet and thinking while experiencing Cornelius's journey. I also like how you are able to show how moods fluctuate a lot and life and we may need ways to recover when things are really tough in our lives (therapy, meds, etc.) but ultimately, we need to face the demons and/or obstacles in our lives to overcome what gets us down or depressed. The magic is nice for the time being, but Cornelius must find his way on his own, which seems a lot more difficult than he would have ever imagined when he was young with all those vibrant colors, constantly helping others. A good obstacle for your protagonist!
-Everything seems clear to me; I just think his parents should be more aware of how he is constantly pushing himself, while his color is fading to grey. If not, then you could display why his parents seem to be neglecting him in a time of need. Just a suggestion, like what you have so far.

7

Week

Sam’s Acts 1 Through 3

I love this story; it definitely gives me a Pixar vibe just by watching it. I also think that this could lead to an interesting sequel about his son growing up and either becoming an astronaut or having to overcome adversity and using his father as motivation.
-It all seems clear to me. Maybe he returns back so that his quote in the sky says, "I love you to the moon and... Back." I do not know if that was your intention, but it would seem cool to me.
-Seems like a really strong story, so no suggestions to make it stronger. Also, I like how you were able to show how your story unfolds without the use of dialogue, just like our speaker, Connie He suggested on Monday night.

7

Week

Love and Death Full Short

Hello Team: RickO, this is Colin Cameron from Team: Bro Ham Cam. This submission is very interesting, and I admire the hard work and creativity involved in the plot and development of the characters.
It all seems pretty thought out and the symbolism is very upfront and deep in this story.
-Nothing really seems confusing or unclear to me at this point.
-It seems pretty strong, nice work!

7

Week

Hero Town

What I like about this submission is that it is very realistic and heartfelt. A hero is someone that is willing to do what it takes to find a solution whether that is overcoming quick sand and bullet ants or standing up to a bully besides being an innocent bystander. This seems like a story that could have a very positive effect on the youth of America as they begin to grow up and learn what the adult life is all about.
-What I found confusing or unclear was why Renee's uncle would not have been worried sick or looking for her while she was missing. It just seems odd to me that he would only praise her and stand up for her for sneaking out at night and going somewhere so dangerous.
-There are no suggestions that I can offer to make this stronger at this point.

7

Week

Axel the Kangaroo Rough Draft

Hello Team: Communist Velociraptors,
this is Colin Cameron from Team: Bro Ham Cam. I love this story and how it is very unpredictable and keeps you on your toes. It seems like Axel is struggling with his identity and feels like he has to prove something to himself constantly. It's a shame that he has never felt comfortable somewhere because he is definitely a mentally strong kangaroo, just doesn't have the size to show it.
-I believe you did a great job of describing your story. Nothing is confusing or unclear to me.
- I do not know how to make this stronger. Maybe incorporate some backstory of how he got into the mob in the first place? I would only suggest that if you are looking for more to fill your story with, otherwise I would say it seems strong to me.

7

Week

Upside Down to Right Side Up - Storyreel Act 1,2,3

Hello Team: MR Creative Productions, this is Colin Cameron from Team: Bro HamCam. What I like about this submission is that Iris is able to highlight the issues that many have when trying to move on from something. Oftentimes, at least for myself, I do not know what is getting me down or bothering me until I think long and hard about it. It seems Alice was so upset with living her life upside down that she was not able to sit down and take time to realize where the root of her sadness was coming from. It is extremely difficult to have something blocking you that you are upset about linger on and on because it can distract you and impair what you are doing in the present very significantly, so I am glad Iris is able to take care of herself first and restore everything in her life.
-What I find confusing or unclear is why Iris takes so long to tell her parents about her problem. It feels like if the fish meant that much to her, she would have let her parents know at some point before she did.
-The only suggestions that I have to make this stronger are to keep Iris's parents more in the loop of her problems throughout the story, so that they do not seem so surprised when she tells them she is upset at the end of the story.

5

Week

Snowed In Act 1 (with subtitles)

Hello Team: Friends From Far Away, this is Colin Cameron from Team: Bro Ham Cam. I like how this submission is tailored around many people's schedules lining up and a few adult friends going on a trip.
However, I am confused as to why not one of the friends knew that it would be snowing that day and where they were traveling to, this is not emphasized clearly here. Also, are they at their new destination when they are trapped at the airport or are they at their airport near their home city? Also, where do all these characters live and are they scattered around the country or are they all in close proximity within each other. Some of these questions and suggestions will help I believe.
-Good luck,
Colin C.

5

Week

Potion Bus - Act 1

I love this submission because it reminds me very much of myself when I first went away to college. I had some terrible social anxiety at the time and really was not 100% there mentally. I think this is a cool situation because it is something that is extremely common, yet is either frowned upon or an embarrassing situation for people to talk about I feel like, which sets it up to be an emotional story to begin with which intrigues me. But in terms of the plot, I think this idea of the spirit is interesting. Is Gerald good, bad, ugly, I don't know, lol! Cat seems like a sweet protagonist that is easy to root for!
What I found confusing or unclear is why, where, and how is Jamie introduced to Cat? A party, were they both socially anxious and /or awkward people that couldn't fit in at school or are they a part of a club together or something?
There are not any suggestions I have to make this stronger.

5

Week

Week 5, by Jiwoo :)

Hello Team: Jiwoo, this is Colin Cameron from Team: Bro Ham Cam. I love this story because it reminds me of myself and my reason for signing up for Story Xperiential and I would imagine a lot of other group's reasonings: To never give up on your passions and keep pursuing them no matter what they are and how old you are. It is awesome that Stella wants to keep telling her stories no matter how old she is.
There is nothing that I find confusing or unclear, I just am assuming (not 100% sure) that Stella's dad does not have a big impact on her life anymore since they got divorced. I am curious as to whether what happened between her parents on the day Stella was not picked up from school has anything to do with the rest of the story?

5

Week

Cornelius - Act One

Hello Team: Shayleen Smith, this is Colin Cameron from Team: Bro Ham Cam. I have commented on this story in the past I believe and like the progress that this has made. I think that it must be hard for Cornelius, since he had all the attention of everyone in Chameleon Cove, then was not appreciated by everyone once his color began fading. Nothing here really appears confusing or unclear here and I cannot offer any suggestions to make it stronger.
-Keep up the good work,
Colin C.

5

Week

The Magical Sword to afraid to fight - Act 1 Minor beats

Hello Team: Klaas en Marijke, this is Colin Cameron from Team: Bro Ham Cam. I like how you were able to give the sword a friend. It seems like the animation and storyboarding is really well-crafted and well thought out.
What I found confusing or unclear was what is the sword's magic? You say, "it was no good in battle and got its wielders hurt." I think you should keep this but may want to consider adding what it was that made the sword magic. Just an idea.
In terms of making this stronger, I think you are really well off. This story gives me the idea that good things are yet to come from this team.
-Keep up the good work,
Colin C.

5

Week

Leo´s Act 1

-Hello Team: The Real Madrigals, this is Colin Cameron from Team: Bro HamCam. I like how Leo is very passionate and eager to do something he loves. It feels as though he is one of those kids that grows up really fast and wants to go out and do things in the world while still being a young age.
-The only thing that I found confusing or unclear is how exactly did Leo go from abandoning his mentor to becoming famous everywhere, collecting treasures everywhere he goes? Was this instantaneous or did he have to prove himself before becoming famous?
-The only suggestions that I have are to give the audience an understanding of how Leo goes from being a frustrated, essentially rookie, explorer not being able to make it in his niche to a successful, world-renowned explorer.

4

Week

Croxi - Briar and Captain’s Adventure

-Hello Team: CROXI, this is Colin Cameron from Team: Bro HamCam. I like how you are able to tie along friendship's importance, even when situations get dire, and livelihood is at stake. In addition, I like how the role of a captain is female, as society is still trying to grasp their minds around the fact that women can do anything men can.
-What I found confusing or unclear was why the captain is so greedy in regard to the gem. Since Briar was the one that found the gem that the captain had been searching for quite some time now and he is letting her have it, it feels like she would at least give him some appreciation. Not sure if the two had a bad relationship prior to this find or if the captain just is not a very nice person at that point in her life. Sorry, just curious. And I am not sure of anything to suggest as I really like this story!

4

Week

Old Dog New Tricks Story Spine

Hello Team: Sanchez Taylor, this is Colin Cameron from Team: Bro HamCam. I love how you are able to give human-like emotions and magical abilities to Oscar as I find myself thinking about my dog's emotions just as much and in some cases more than my other family members depending on the mood I am in and not looking at my dog and my family as human vs. animal but more as one animal species vs. another animal species. Needless to say, I obviously love dogs, that is what attracted me to this story but I also think the plot and morals are very accurate for any type of animal whether it is a sibling rivalry, a new dog added to the household, or even to some degree with animals like ferrets or guinea pigs.
-This is all pretty clear to me; I just want to make sure. Yogi is just a house guest, right? He is not permanently staying there, right? There is just a lot of emotion going on here with Oscar, so I was just curious to see that I got that right.
-Lastly, I was wondering what Oscar's Aunt's reaction would be when Oscar turns into the teddy bear or is she out doing something when Grandpa is sleeping, or maybe she needed a dog sitter for the night or something? I just am not sure what her role is in the story or if she is important. Besides that minor point, I like this story a lot and think it has great potential!
-Hopefully this helps,
Colin C.

4

Week

Maria & Selena Swap

*Not independent

4

Week

Maria & Selena Swap

-Hello Team: Creative Gopher, this is Colin Cameron from Team Bro Ham Cam. I can relate a lot to this story because I am currently in college at Rowan University in Glassboro, NJ and had an amazing time writing for the school paper as a beat writer for the women's volleyball team. As for the story, it is a very great way to bring together a mother and daughter that may have different outlooks on life but find out through the switching of each other's bodies that they have quite a lot in common and very similar interests. Sometimes in life we get so preoccupied with our lives and/or our responsibilities/nerves become so much of our waking life that we forget what we are truly passionate about or become too obsessed with pleasing other people that we forget to keep pursuing what we have really liked for our entire lives. My guess is that Selena has no clue that her mother was very passionate about ice skating until she was switched into her body.
-Everything is pretty clear to me; this seems like something quite a few mothers and daughters would experience when the daughter is still young and independent and is spending a lot of time around her mother.
-Lastly, the only suggestion I have to make this stronger is to include how Selena is doing in school. Is she a good student, mediocre, bad? Also, how old is Selena and what is her role on her volleyball team? I feel like this is important because we have to know whether she is a phenom or kind of good but really hard working and very inspired? Just throwing a few examples out there. Also, her age tells whether she is being looked at by scouts or is she still in Middle School because that seems like it could be very important to your plot.
-Hope this helps,
Colin C.

4

Week

Bedtime Story Spine

-Hello Team: 4tissimo, this is Colin Cameron from Team Bro Ham Cam. This probably is the best presentation I have witnessed since beginning my story xperiential campaign back in the beginning of March. I like the creativity and the imagination put forth to evolve this story and I think trying to get your kid to fall asleep is a very relatable, yet strenuous situation for an entire family, especially the parents. I think it is very important for parents to sometimes see the world in the eyes of their children. and since this is a struggle for people, since they literally cannot remember what it is like to be a baby, I feel like one of the only options to get on Nico's level is to have a dream-like experience with Nico because he obviously cannot communicate with them.
-What I find that is confusing or unclear is where the conflict is? This family seems to be very happy and together all the time, then this dream occurs randomly. It doesn't feel maybe as relevant to the viewer that it could be. The only suggestion I have if you are open to it is to try rearranging the plot so that the characters have more of a reason to be in this dream with Nico.
-Hopefully this helps,
Colin C.

4

Week

Smoke Me - Story Spine

-Hello Team Write for Animation. This is Colin Cameron from Team Bro Ham Cam. Sorry for the very late response, I have been very busy at my job and with schoolwork but wanted to make sure I get my week four comments in tonight before week 6 begins. I really like how you relate the emotions of the cigarette to an innocent, child-like naive kid that is in love at first sight. Also, on a sidenote it is kind of a unique story because I feel like it is the reversal of what would happen in real life (Like a person that is addicted to smoking and cannot stop because they are addicted to nicotine, so their subconscious mind is in love but they know they need to cut ties with cigarettes.) In addition, the cigarette is a good metaphor for people that need to give up something or change something about themselves so that they can be with the one they love.
-There is nothing that I found confusing or unclear and the only suggestion that I have is to emphasize the duration of how long the cigarette has known the girl and what he does or thinks when she is away from him.
-Hope this helps,
Colin C.

3

Week

Luis faces his demon during a fight

Hello Team: Squinch Creative, this is Colin Cameron from Team: Bro HamCam. I love how this has progressed! I checked out this story last week and this obliterated my initial story expectations that I had for this character. I think that this is very powerful and I am getting the sense that these past traumas are much harder for Luis to face than a normal boxing fight with another human being whether or not that is an actual possibility in Luis's world. Nothing is confusing or unclear to me, nor can I suggest anything else! Great job!

3

Week

The Warblers

Hello Team: Go Girl! This is Colin Cameron from Team: Bro HamCam. What I like about this submission is that the birds appear utterly different and out of synch. The yellow and black bird appears angry, while the other adult seems like he is spacing out. What is unclear is how they are going to go down south with a baby in the nest. I think this is a very talented picture, just am not completely clear what you are going for in my first couple of glances, so maybe try to sell that more.
-Hope this helps,
Colin C.

3

Week

World of Bubble Pop

Hello Team Cool, this is Colin Cameron from Team Bro HamCam. What I like about this submission is that you flip around the concept that living in a bubble is the abnormal which has been done before in cinema and make it to where not living in a bubble is abnormal. What is confusing is whether she is bothering him or whether he is disgusted by her being different and is avoiding her becausse she is an outsider. I cannot suggest anything at this point.

3

Week

Week 3 Submission - The breaking point

Hello Team: Blue Pearls, this is Colin Cameron from Team Bro HamCam. I appreciate the detail in the character's facial expressions as you can immediately tell Mau has done something to disappoint Sebas by the details in their faces. What is confusing to me is whether this incident is related to cooking or something along the lines of that or have they finished what they are doing and Sebas is finally letting out all his suppressed anger that he had been holding in for quite a long time now. I can only suggest that this group could imply more of an understanding or hint toward what Mau has done wrong.

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