Not you? Click here

arrow&v

Explanation (Optional)

4

Week

Caelus

You've got a great start to a really cool story! I enjoy the idea of the two clashing cultures, and I always find fish-out-of-water stories to be a fun time. I would say, at this moment, Caelus's preconceived prejudices against ground people are unclear (if the ground people dislike the sky people, it makes sense the sky people would have their own prejudices too). Also, the story jumps from being about Caelus and the ground person to being about societal stuff toward the end, and it loses the emotional impact of the story.

Let your antagonizing challenges be more prominent. Let there be specific, concrete challenges that Caelus and the ground guy need to overcome in order to achieve their want, and build toward a stronger emotional payoff with your climax. The moral, at this point, doesn't fully mesh with the climax--if we're working against societal prejudices, those prejudices need to be shown as direct challenges to what your characters want. If Caelus wants to get back home, what specific, concrete examples of society keep him from getting there? What can he learn to appreciate while he's in the ground-people society?

Oh! And one last thought: you have a cool design concept for the sky people, but the ground people just feel like normal people at this point. If that's what you're going for, that's cool, but it makes things less of an even-ground when it comes to their prejudices and it looks more like the sky people are incredibly privileged--they have flight, lots of angelic backgrounds and architecture, etc--while the ground people are stuck in blocky, cube-shaped buildings. At that point, it looks less like the ground-people need to understand the sky people and more like the sky people are living in ivory towers while ignoring the needs of the ground people. If you want to have more of an even-ground society--one where there isn't a clear privileged-versus-unprivileged divide--I would recommend being bold with your ground people design. Make them look interesting, and also make their architecture look like something they would naturally want to live in. Use the idea of ground-versus-sky to really make the ground people's world *wildly different* than what Caelus is used to.

4

Week

Hero Town Storyline

Woaaaah! This story spine itself was a wild emotional journey! Renee setting off on her own journey, finding a secret passage through a gate that's been sealed for decades (really nice touch), and the fact that Hero Town was a *lie*?? This is awesome. I really dig this story. At this point, I find myself wondering what she decides to do to run off the town-bullies-who-feel-more-like-bandits, but that's less to do with the story spine (which you've done a great job with) and just more focused on Act 3. I do find myself wondering what kind of challenges she could face while in Hero Town that would help her envision her own growth--enough that she's confident about her ability to return home and kick the bandits out.

4

Week

Snow Days Story Spine

Great story spine! I think this concept has a lot of room to play, and you've chosen an interesting "What If" that just about everyone has probably wondered and daydreamed about. I don't feel like anything is unclear with your story spine, the structural elements you've created are all great. However, I would say that the story could use either some kind of emotional urgency (like, if they were meeting up to see a friend in the hospital, or maybe to be at some other time-reliant circumstance), or at least some sort of danger or challenge that needs to be confronted and grown from. Since you have multiple protagonists, you've set up the possibility for multiple challenges happening at once (each person having an underlying *want* that they try and obtain), so it will be really interesting to see how you decide to make them cooperate with and challenge each other.

4

Week

Act One Storyboard

Hahaaa!! Ok, your setup is fantastic. Having cryptids play hide and seek so well that they're *still* hiding and seeking is such a fun concept. At this point, I found it unclear as to why they would no longer be friends. I think it would be great to flesh out the reasons as to what separates them and caused them to drift apart. Also, in that same aspect, it would be nice to see how some friendships still survive distance and time apart. I feel like the driving *want* could stand to be tweaked a little, too, to give the climax a stronger payoff. Yeti wants to find them, but why? Give him a stronger motivation so that the challenges force him to grow, and also to give your climax a lot of extra oomph.

4

Week

Forever Turning Jade

Y'all. This is a great starting story structure from the concept you came up with. I was excited to see what you would make after seeing your "Character In World" image, and this is rad! I really enjoy the buildup of mystery concerning what's happening in the jungle, and the mystery plants acting as compasses is a really cool idea!

I found the origin of the plant people unclear--are they old beings who have been there for a long time, are they the forest itself, or are they present-day villagers who have eaten/communed with the magical plants to gain these powers? Lol, also, I found myself panicking for the researchers who were taken! It's good to have some red-shirts in a cast so that we can see the danger of the story, but at this point, it feels like everyone died? It's a bit unclear why they allow Jade to live when they discover her if they've already killed/absorbed the other researchers.

I would say, something that could make this stronger is to find a way for Jade to have agency in the present moment. At this time, the only way she changes things is by leaving the forest to find other people. Your story could really get some extra oomph by changing up your "Until One Day" moment. Let that be a real climax in the present moment, something that gives Jade the decision and agency to act here and now. Keep her present in the arena of tension and danger until her decisions satisfy the climax.

4

Week

Pactus Story Spine - Patrick

I dig your story! I feel like you have a great first-draft of a story structure here, especially with Pactus following his own trial of the Hero's Journey. Something I found unclear was Pactus's motivation to run away in the first place. You currently have him leaving because of a single character who, at this point, doesn't have any strong emotional ties to Pactus, and he also doesn't have a trend of constantly bothering Pactus, so there isn't a strong *need* for Pactus to leave. Maybe instead of giving something that he's running from, give him something to run *to*, like trying to join the circus or something.

Also, coming back around to the climactic resolution, you have a great literal representation of the Dark Night of the Soul, where Pactus is trapped in a literal dark pit. I felt that giving the vulture the agency of getting him out of the pit dampens the emotional impact of Pactus's victory. Let Pactus make it at least halfway in his own effort of getting out before the vulture helps. Also, definitely take the time to explore the vulture's emotional background--his reasons for being a jerk, and then what specific topics that might change his opinion of Pactus--as that will give him a much stronger reason for being the antagonist. Oh! And if you can somehow bring the coyote into the story again, that would be rad. He's the instructor, though, so make sure he doesn't fix Pactus's problems. just guides Pactus on how to fix them himself.

Great going on this, though! You have a strong foundation from which you can build!

3

Week

Act Natural...

You've done a great job of capturing intensity in this shot. Between the framing (choosing to have both centered, but with the dog looming over the Teddy's shoulder) and the intense expression, you've already set up a lot of suspense in one shot. I feel like the attitude of the story is a bit unclear here--I can't tell if this is going to be a lighthearted comedy (hinted at by the story description) or if it's going to be horror/suspense (because I'm not trusting no ding-dang possessed teddy bear with a top hat). The two things I can think of that might make the image stronger: 1) foreshadow whatever the force is that will cause the body swap (like, if it's a machine, show it. If it's magic, let there be a stronger aura or build magical elements into Teddy's visual design, such as a magic wand or something), and 2) show the person who is going to be body-swapped (unless it's the dog, then nevermind that tip, lol). Great stuff, though! I'm excited to see what kind of fun and/or scary story you're going to tell!

3

Week

Concept Sketch - Croxi

I want. A swashbuckling adventure. So bad.

This looks so FUN! And way to go with the perspective shift, making the masts and the captain both appear to loom over Briar! You've done an amazing job building a sense of wonder and adventure--the stars are a really nice touch, and the cloud swirls are a fantastic way to both frame the image while also giving it strong emotion and wonder. The only thing unclear at this point is Briar's reason/role on the ship--are they an outsider, or do they belong there? Otherwise, great job setting up your characters and already showing a powerful story that's sure to come!

3

Week

Party Parrots Week 3 Submission

I think you're onto a great idea when it comes to the color of Carmen. The fact that she's a parrot--birds that are known to be vividly colorful--while being stuck as a muted, drab color is an amazing way to wordlessly show the emotional hangups she's dealing with. I think the wild splatterings of paint do a great job of conveying the chaos in her life, too. The only thing I would say that's unclear and could stand to have been shown would be to zoom the shot out and show her immediate surroundings. You could tell a lot of her story by showing the world around her and the kind of people who keep her caged. Oh! And I also just realized: parrots who are anxious and upset are known to pluck their own feathers, so you might even be able to add that as part of her design. Either way, great work with building her as a character, and great job with the painting!

3

Week

Jade and the Alien Plant

This is a really cool image! You've done a fantastic job of building suspense and mystery in a single image. The reflection on their glasses is *chef's kiss*! The time frame and world are a little unclear (it feels like modern sci fi, but are we on Earth or another planet?), and I feel like adding a few more details that show us who Jade is and what they're doing could flesh it out some more (are they working a regular job and stumble upon this, or are they assigned to actively search for this? etc. etc.). Otherwise, again, really cool image, and I already find myself wondering what will happen in your story.

3

Week

Society of Mona

This is fun! You've a great job of showing the world world around her, and the family photo is a great way to show who she has around her. Also, I love that her mom is a park ranger! I feel like the importance of birthmarks is a little unclear. The second image is nice in how it shows Mona not having a role compared to everyone else, but I feel like a combination of 1) making the birthmarks more prominent on everyone, and 2) showing people in the city at the place where their birthmark sent them. Otherwise, I think it's awesome, and I'm excited to see what story you tell!

3

Week

Doug and Marlowe In Their World

Great work with capturing their personalities here! The small details, such as Doug drowning out the noise with headphones and Marlowe's little cowgirl/adventuring outfit both tell a lot about who they are without saying a word. Also, clever work with tossing the Ferrari manual in the frame. Great way to add more detail with the limited space of the shot. Honestly, I don't think I have any real questions about your image! The only way I could suggest any additions would be to add some sort of foreshadowing element that hints at the plot. Otherwise, great work!

2

Week

Leonardo, with his head in the Stars

Ohhh, Leo. My nerdy self feels his pain in so many ways, lol. I feel like you have a lot of very good, concrete descriptions of who he is and what drives him. His behavior patterns are all detailed enough that I can see so many storytelling beats that revolve around each--my favorite to imagine is how he must always be looking up at the sky to get so many bruises on his shins. I do find myself wondering just how he will learn how to grow in areas of human connection. As great as it would be for him to learn how to make his information more concise, I almost feel like that's only a branch of the deeper issue, which is his inability to genuinely connect with other people. I find myself curious to see what scenarios you'll create that will help him discover his true needs while he actively pursues his wants.

2

Week

The Prisoner: Character Profile

I will always and forever be in favor of stories with a big guy who is tired of being seen as "big." Your plan to put him in a prison setting, further making him appear "dangerous" to society, is perfect. You're giving him a heavily-pitched battle to find himself and grow. A few things I find myself wondering about: 1) his past life--not just before prison, but when he was a kid. It feels like this message of "You're big, therefore you're dangerous," has been beaten into him since he was little, and you've set yourself up for an incredibly heartbreaking moment of discovering how the people in his life failed him when he was a vulnerable kid; 2) What other people can he eventually discover who will see him as something more than just a dangerous hulk? I feel like you have the idea to have his Need focusing more on how he sees himself, since that's the most important growth factor, but I do wonder if the world will always be bleak for him or if he'll ever find community; 3) I think the kitty cat is great. The opposites of who they are fit perfectly together, and the kitty cat can be his motivation to finally work toward growth, self love, and change.

You've got a great setup for a story. I'm excited to see what you'll do with it, because there is a tooon of potential for deep, meaningful storytelling here.

2

Week

Mush Character Sketch

I really, REALLY, like Mush's design. His lil hat, his lil FEET. I'm curious to see what kinds of groups he's trying to fit in with--are they other plants, other mushrooms, or other creature-types entirely (animals, birds, reptiles, etc). Thinking about it, you could have a lot of fun playing with size and similarity for this little guy. Like, what if he tries fitting in with a full-on redwood tree? What if he tries fitting in with a satellite dish? His desire to fit in, couple with genuine efforts to really TRYING to fit in where we know he won't, would be interesting to watch. I was wondering what the importance would be for him to come back home to find mushrooms who weren't there before. It feels a little unclear as to why he would leave in the first place--did he have a disagreement with them, did he see someone different and really wanted to try being like them, or were these other mushrooms nonexistent before he left? I feel like, if you find a good motivation for why he *needs* to leave, why staying isn't an option, you'd be setting yourself up for a great little journey (with those little FEET)

2

Week

This Is Leo and Luan

I dig it! You've got a good foundation going to set up the story you're getting ready to tell! I really like the juxtaposition of Leo being highly capable at incredibly technical tasks while having just as much trouble as everyone else when it comes to raising a baby. I feel like that's a fantastic way to keep him grounded and relatable. I find myself wondering what specific emotional obstacles he'll encounter as he's preparing to become an astronaut. You have a plot that is setting itself up for a big emotional climax--he'll need to make the decision of whether or not he'll actually go to space--so I'm curious to see what milestones you'll place along the way that force him to check in and consider what he really needs. I feel like Luan's journey could be a little more fleshed out with discovering the life that she wants for herself, not just the way she sees Leo and their marriage. What does she plan on doing when he's gone? What social support network does she have that will help her find the connection she needs as a person while her husband is in space? It's a little tough, since you're now dealing with two characters' wants and needs, but definitely take the time to flesh out the things that Luan enjoys about life that are outside of the relationship.

2

Week

Jett - Character Profile

Thanks for the feedback! Honestly, the idea of him trying his darndest to bring back someone that just won't come back is a great idea, and I feel like I need to explore that. You're right that it opens up a lot of opportunity for challenges and growth. Thanks again for your thoughts!

2

Week

Pip, Age 14

First off, Pip is a wonderful name! I really enjoy this character, though. Lots of juicy, heartfelt emotions that a lot of people can easily connect to. I love how well you fleshed out Pip, too. Even though their anxiety is what drives the plot, you did a great job of explaining what they love, the hobbies that bring them life, and I find myself really hoping to see Pip have some moments where they can smile and be truly free while engaging in their hobbies. The only thing unclear was the idea of "future selves." I'm not sure if you're planning on making split personalities (like Other-Pips running around), or how you plan on showing this, but I feel like you might already have a solid plan to bring it to life. I'm excited to see where you go next! Great work!

1

Week

What if ideas…

Omg, the first idea? That immediately made me excited to see where it could go. Does this person actually have powers? Why did they get in? What kind of wild times are they going to be thrown into without even meaning to? There's so much room for playful mischief here! I find myself wondering not only why they were accepted, but a lot more concerning how the rest of society views this school. Is it secret or well known? Is it viewed as pompous--like an Ivy League school--or would this world view it as taboo, lower-class, or worse? I think, in addition to that, fleshing out exactly what superpowers we're talking about would be good too--especially being sure to define limitations and drawbacks, as nothing makes a plot feel less earned than constant deus ex machina. Well done with this What If, though! The mystery of "Why did they get chosen?" just makes me wildly curious to find out more!

1

Week

What If

I love the first two ideas. I'm well into adulthood, and yet they still speak to something inside of me that sounds exciting and wonderful. It just makes me wonder how enjoyable school would feel if your lesson plan was personalized, recognizing you're a unique person and not a number. I think, to make them more clear, I find myself curious to know what type of story would you tell with those What Ifs--would you use them as a backdrop for a different plot, or would the creation/disruption of those What Ifs be the source of the plot? Either way, I find myself as curiously excited as I was when I first read Harry Potter, so you've tapped into a very good What If and I'm excited to see where you go with it!

1

Week

"What If's" - Shayleen

The first two ideas have a looooot of great potential that you can build from! They both instantly make me wonder what kind of emotional-story you're going to tell. There is a lot of good space to play with character development in the first idea, and the second idea feels like an amazing worldbuilding-foundation to use as a backdrop for a more narrowly focused story. I think that's what I feel could be made more clear--in the second idea, how do you plan for the plot to progress? But, for the first, I find myself wondering if the chameleon gains the power of healthy boundaries in order to protect them from holding too much of other people's emotions (I really hope they do!), and in the second, I wonder how the signs of affection are shown and if we'll deal with any juicy love triangles. Great work here!

1

Week

Brady Glass What if Ideas

I like your ideas! The city idea excites me the most. It's mysterious and exciting, giving a lot of "potential danger" vibes that make me want to know more. It feels like there's a lot of fertile ground there to play with. Lots of ways to explore branching What Ifs and how they can shape your story and character (Why is your protagonist there? What do they face? Do other people face their own fears? Can you see other people's fears?). I also find myself wondering how the rest of the world views. The source of the fears could stand to be more clear, but that could also be a major reveal in the plot. Great idea here!

1

Week

What If Akwesasne

Ohhhh I absolutely love portal-to-new-world stories! It gives you so much room to play with a newly created world. Between the three, I feel like the first gives you the most freedom to play with new, imaginative concepts by building an interesting new world. I found myself wondering just what kind of world this would be, and also what new concepts you could personally bring to the idea of finding a world existing in the sky, especially if you're looking to add stories and elements from Indigenous peoples to the mix. I did find the second as being a little unclear because of how much it relied on having a familiarity of what Skyworld might be. The third made me very curious about the details of her reanimation/reincarnation, though, and it leaves you a lot of room to play with concepts of life, death, and everything in between. Great stuff!

1

Week

What if...

I think these all three of these ideas give you a lot of room to play! I found myself mostly drawn to the second idea. It made me curious about the concepts of plants being aliens. Like, where did they come from before Earth? Why Earth? Are they descended from plants that have been on Earth since before humans, or do they show up in present-time (and how do they get here)? So many fun questions that you can really build on and play with in that concept. I found the first concept interesting, but a bit to vague to understand what kind of "visual journey" it would be (also, I think hallucinogens kind of do that? Lol). The third was a good, human-condition concept, something that everyone could connect with no matter where they're from, but I also feel like it's a concept that's been a bit overdone at this point. If you feel like pursuing either of those concepts, I would suggest being more specific with the first (maybe see if you can add some kind of emotional concept to it, too), and maybe search for a way to take a twist on everlasting life that hasn't been fully explored (honestly, even keeping the concept as is, as long as you find a way to take that concept and make it unique, it would work). Great concepts, though! I'm excited to see what you do with them!

1

Week

Week 1, by Jiwoo :)

All three of these sound so fun! The second one immediately made me feel a lot of wonder and curiosity--stumbling upon a lost, magical library just sounds so exciting to me! I honestly feel like all three of these are solid What Ifs that you could really play with. I found myself wondering what a person would do if they came across an archive of lost memories, and also I was curious as to what kind of wild disruption an on-strike month would have on everyday life. I don't feel like any of your What Ifs were unclear, they're each worded and/or drawn in a way that brought my curiosity to life. I mostly just find myself wondering how you would expand on them and flesh them out.

arrow&v
Filter comments by week

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

Destry's Comments

Please wait while we load your amazing content

Our goal for Story Xperiential is to foster an educational platform that actively remains a safe space for all users to bring their authentic voices and engage in learning free of judgment and ridicule, and where all cultural and gender backgrounds, learning differences and ability levels are welcomed and celebrated for their uniqueness and potential to inspire all of us. We do not condone story content that promotes violence or hate.

Privacy Policy

Questions? Contact us at 
help@storyxperiential.com