Not you? Click here

arrow&v

Explanation (Optional)

8

Week

SMOKE ME

Never thought a cigarette with hair could make me cry. Awwwwwwwww. Everything is right in this submission! Did Maria finish her song?

8

Week

Labracadabrador

"What do you call a dog that does magic?" hahaha I can't believe it! Brilliant! It's such a smart idea! As per the story itself it deserves to see the end of development! You nailed visual storytelling, good job!

8

Week

The Little Apprentice - a rough draft

Don't feel discouraged to share these drawings! Super rough, yes, but they are readable, which is concern number 1. Not to mention how well you used visual storytelling! We truly don't need a single word to understand the story. I thought 2 minutes was too short until I saw your work. Wonderful! I'm interested in following your future work. Do you use social media?

8

Week

Bad Timing

Adore this short! Important message too. I think you might be able to shorten dialogue a bit, maybe? The initial exposition is great but the dialogue between Leslie and the Timetravel agent at the "pre" climax can be shortened in my opinion. The calls could also maybe be a bit shortened I think. Other than this your short is awesome! The jokes are good and come through very well, the pacing is stable, character evolves naturally and thoroughly, the art style is beautiful in its "simplicity". Very well done! Do you have social media? I'd love to follow your work if you share it around!

7

Week

Act 1-3

I love this. Great environmental metaphor and message. We shouldn't change for external factors like that. Wondering if you'll do dialogue at all! It's challenging but I think it's possible.
The story is wonderfully fledged out and the character evolves as he should. The overarching issue of the globe doing so much noise it's slowly shaking itself into the end of the shelf is absolutely genius. I love this story.

6

Week

Act One and Two

The story is stable, the character enticing, the arc understood. I really just think you could work a little on the visual aspect. Not the looks (which is not the point, we don't need the image to look good, even though yours do!) but the visual storytelling. What was the bike for? Do the girls like to write? Is Ace a zombie? You've introduced visual elements that the audience doesn't know how to relate to the characters or story.

4

Week

Une Masquerade Ridicule (The spine of their story)

Varian's love for the craft is transparent in our story. I'm so happy to work with them.
Through staging and the storyboard we want to make clear just how small this apartment truly is and how curious Carolina can be. And that suggestion is really nice! I haven't though of it at all, thank you!

4

Week

Upside Down to Right Side Up

Oh it's great! Thank you for listening and good job on improving! I'm glad I could help you!

4

Week

"Bad Timing" Story Outline

A tale very close to our hearts. Don't we all want to change some parts of our past? I think you are treating this, to me, very daunting concept very well! Congratulations.
I see a certain mystery about the number she sees by chance on the TV. Was it put there on purpose for her to see it? Or is this something anyone can do? If that's the case is this set in a sci-fi future?

4

Week

Upside Down to Right Side Up

The title is great! Really encapsulates how we are discriminated for being different. It's a great metaphor! An heart warming tale of finding someone like you!
I think there could have been some work on the phrasing just to get the story arc according to the 3 act structure we are using. The second 2 " because of that" (Step 5&6) fit as just one, giving space for the low point of Iris feeling alone on the last "Because of that". The following sentence "Until Finally" (step 7) that now has the low point, would have the climax with meeting her alien friend, in this case getting what she wanted. It's something very small, but I think it matters to keep up a certain pace and make it easier to make a script that keeps the audience engaged. Our work behind the story reel is just like the story itself: We keep on building on top of the last thing. Don't give up!

4

Week

Luis Fights his Demon: Story Spine

It's fresh! Uncommon! The kind giant trope as I love it! Wonderful put together of such important concepts like family, immigration, trauma and kindness applied to a big male character. One of the things I feel cinema needs is exactly men like Luis! And the shadowy figure really helps with visualization, great idea! More than feedback I will give you a friendly reminder: Don't get lost in the complexity of your message. Nothing was unclear, but I think you could have reduced the final text while still keeping the important details. I am very excited to see this story come to fruition! It's very clear this is close to your heart, and it already moved mine.

4

Week

Mush's Story Spine

This story touches my heart, good job! This is some great SparkShorts like material! I feel like there is a bit of a leap from ripping the flower petal to realising they have connections at home. There are many reasons why a flower would remind you of home, but what does ripping it means to him? I think it's clearer to have the character be helped by an external force so that he learns a lesson, for example: the flower whose petal ripped would still protect him from the rain or blazing sun!

4

Week

Sam’s Story Spine

Short, quick, sweet, impactful. Straight to the point, I like it. It's like those sweet and sour gummies that I like so much. I'm just unsure about the chronology, or how much time passes between the father's funeral and the stars aligning. Also curious about the stars, is it a dream or vision for both mother and son? I suggest you consider a arduous grieving, discussions between mother and son. It's something so natural for households to seemingly fall apart when one of its members goes away. I think many people can relate to that.

4

Week

Marin the Shapeshifter- Story Spine

Beautiful concept, great idea and great story! There is great value in wanting the best for others. I think you could have shortened the text a little since this is like a pitch of sorts. Remember to not get lost in the complexity of what you want to create! "Keep it simple!"

3

Week

Leo finds a Heart

Oh is the mountain a giant? wow such a cool idea! The use of colour, light and composition is really good! The heart feels big and warm, maybe even magical and Leo feels so small in comparison. The framing is great to showcase the character's emotions and the object of their desire. However I have some confusion on the real size of the heart. To my eyes this composition feels like an artistical choice to make the heart seem bigger, which does put things into perspective for me. When you say "giant heart" I imagine something massive like the heart of Gaia as depicted in the third God of War. Is this confusion intentional? I think you have some extra room for creativity here if you want to expand on changing perspectives!

3

Week

Death’s Offering

A tough choice indeed! Oh wow this moment has me at the edge of my seat! (Hi RickO! Back from week 2! So invested in your idea! :D)
I feel like this piece shows little of the world and it focuses heavily on the characters. This is clearly a moment that is heavy and important, but, and I hope you understand my message, it feels like it could happen anywhere. I see clearly that it is a desk and that's the extent of my information intake. There is a chance I lack knowledge on the topic of exercising medicine to understand the tools on the top right corner, in which case we should remember that we should think of the audience we are presenting our work to. To make it more clear or to try to convey more information I would move this interaction closer to the patient, maybe the same room, maybe even over the patient's body. Alternatively, I think a moment where only one of the characters is active is also good to showcase the world. Two ideas that come to my mind: Death speaking to another angel or the doctor rushing to her next patient.

3

Week

Emily’s Antique Store or Ghost’s Community Hub?

Great job centering the character who we can only assume is Emily! The camera right behind her and the slight head tilt showing the glasses gives me a watchful feeling. It's clear that she owns the place and is tidy with it. I wonder how she would react to the new aspect of her life. Does it only happen in the store? Are the ghosts that inhabit the store related to the items? If you want to add anything else to this already wonderfully built 3 stage composition I advise some life or figurines outside the store, to contrast chronologically with the outfits of the ghosts.

3

Week

A Little Friend?

From the bottom of my heart: "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwww" This image is so cute! I want to hug them both! On a technical perspective, your use of foreground does a great stable framing of the characters which helps with a certain quietude to this moment (opposed to the example in "Cars" where the framing points to action from left to rigth, remember?). The use of colour for the drawing sets it apart and immediately gives us a sense of wonder! It's just adorable! The expressions are clear and soft, too. I just wonder on the rest of the room. Is it empty in this moment? I know kindergartens as hyper places bustling with lots of sounds and children running around. To me the lack of figurines in the background means this is a moment where she is alone in this room.

3

Week

Merci à vous, mes dames et messieurs!

I'm so happy you got so excited towards our work! Varian did all the heavy lifting, I have to admit! Our trick is to have someone else who wants you to grow as much as you do! A lot of the work we do is checking and rechecking with the other and measuring our words so they touch the other's heart! We are also new :D But aren't we all here to learn? We learn by doing! So don't give up!

3

Week

Merci à vous, mes dames et messieurs!

Varian was deeply inspired for the suit, no doubt! We tried our best to make the description creative, short and clear. It's how excited we are to share Ridiculo's story with you all!

3

Week

Merci à vous, mes dames et messieurs!

You deserve some clarification: The Harlequin IS Ridiculo! It's their stage name, hence why it is written in the piece of cloth they dance over!

2

Week

Lauren

Were we all not a child at some point in the past? This idea reminds me of my mother's work, she's a kindergarten teacher. She shares how the children often have a hard time separating from their parents in the morning, especially in the first months of the year. Some others, however, don't even say goodbye to mommy and just run away into the playroom. I can't wait to see your perspective on it!
I'm curious about the drawing. How did it come to life? Do all drawings come to life? Is this all in Lauren's head? Is it magic?
I think it's good for Lauren that the drawing can make friends only with other drawings! It would probably be hard and stressful in the beginning but she deserves to meet whatever new friends she so desires!

2

Week

A Cigarette in Love - Write for Animation Team

I'm loving every impersonation idea I have come across so far. Everyone has such refreshing ideas! But this one? The bowtie only adds to it!
I find his wish a bit confusing because my real doubt is: What happens to a cigarette after it has been consumed?
Learning the meaning of true love is very tricky, but is that really what Mr. Cigarette needs to learn? I think the lesson he really needs to learn might be something else, like self value.

2

Week

Meet W - Week 2 - Character Profile

Impeccable presentation and absolutely lovely idea! We think of imaginary friends as being a part of one person's imagination. This expansion is lovely!
I didn't understand if W is connected to the house or a painting or something. Also have the Andersons always been in the same house? Has W never connected with a family friend? Their adventure sounds so interesting! I suggest a deeper exploration on the core of what the friend is. What if it is a voice rather than a pair of eyes? Or a colour?

P.S.: Writing this feedback piece made me reflect on myself. Thank you!

2

Week

Love and Death

Ah what a satisfying tale! Love stories (when well told) never fail to lose my heartstrings. Life and Death is a concept I see floating around and I really like your adaptation from an almighty force of nature to a doctor! It's super refreshing! When you say "loses a piece of herself with every lost life" do you mean that literally? I think you can make great use of that sentence given that the Angel develops feelings for her!

arrow&v
Filter comments by week

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

Cassilda's Comments

Please wait while we load your amazing content

Our goal for Story Xperiential is to foster an educational platform that actively remains a safe space for all users to bring their authentic voices and engage in learning free of judgment and ridicule, and where all cultural and gender backgrounds, learning differences and ability levels are welcomed and celebrated for their uniqueness and potential to inspire all of us. We do not condone story content that promotes violence or hate.

Privacy Policy

Questions? Contact us at 
help@storyxperiential.com